On any given football Sunday, when a flag is thrown on your team or the opponent, it evokes emotion. The result in a flag-on-the-field when you are on the team is being thrown on pushes you back you up the field in the wrong direction of the goal line.

By definition, a yellow flag is thrown during a game proving that a team mate did something wrong during a play that is being shown to their team mates, opponents and thousands of screaming fans and punishment is about to follow. Sometimes a team can beat the ref by pulling something off that they shouldn’t have but when you do that too often, it’s only a matter of time before you do get caught. The ref is there to make sure you don’t cheat and keep the playing field fare. While The Marriage Playbook teaches you how to work as a team, however, the penalties in marriage are not against other teams, unlike in sports, your flag is thrown because of an offense you have committed toward your spouse.

In your marriage, the basic principles of the game apply. When you commit a penalty, you will get caught and it will evoke emotions that have to be dealt with in a healthy manner so that unity and oneness are created among the team. When a player can’t trust his teammates, they won’t rely on you and as distance grows between you, you find yourself sitting on the bench and not in the game.

This first and most called penalty in a game is Holding. It’s a 10 yard back up with each infraction and by football terms means when a player Illegally grasps or pulls an opponent other than the ball-carrier while attempting toward off a block or cover a receiver. If a penalty for holding that occurred in the offense’s end zone is accepted, a safety results which means 2 points for the other team.

In marriage holding sounds like what you would do to snuggle or show love to your spouse but when referenced to holding as a penalty, this is when you are personally, whether physically or emotionally, are holding your spouse from being the best version of themselves.

Your spouse has goals for their life, for your family and for your marriage. By not knowing what these are, you are holding them back…FLAG!  By saying words that put them down or not encouraging them when they do well or need a pick me up to stay focused, you are holding them back…FLAG!!! When you allow your own dreams to interfere with your spouses dreams, you are holding them back…FLAG!

Just like in football, you can recover from a penalty by going above and beyond the previous play. It’s not just about getting the first down or even making forward progress as a team, you have to do whats right to get beyond a first down; making up for the penalty and gaining momentum back in the game. You have to give confidence in your team that you can still score by working together and being on the same page. Removing selfish desires and putting your spouses needs/dreams ahead of your own can negate a holding penalty.

In the grande scheme, you are going to mess up and cause holding penalties in your marriage. The way out of it is to have a plan for how to change that behavior so it doesn’t back you so far up the field that you have to punt the ball.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

I don’t like to buy into the idea that we should only express our love or go all out on romance for Valentine’s Day but I do believe that February is the time of year that couples focus on each other more. With that in mind, there are some things that can help you say the right words this year. Even if you are considered the Romeo in your circle of friends that you proudly wear, these simple phrases have weight to them that make us all come off as a hero in the heart of our spouse.

These are things can be used in different forms, you can write them in a Valentine’s Day card, post them on your spouses Facebook/Twitter page (the beauty of this part is you get loads of bonus points because not only does your spouse see it but so do their friends) or you can email or text them. If you choose to text them, I put the creative abbreviations in parenthesis to make it easy for us all.

1. I Love You (ILY or ILU)

This is a no brainier because you can never say this enough, you just have to make sure your actions, body language and face all repeat these words. This phrase  can often be very empty and routine. Valentine’s is a good time to remember the reasons you fell in love and make a choice to impact your spouse in a positive way rather than try to hang on to the ooey-gooey feeling you once had that truly has not lasting value.

2. Your The One I Wanna Laugh With (UR the 1 I wanna laugh w/)

Couples seem to have inside jokes, comedies they enjoy (movies or TV) and moments they created together that was filled with laughter. Business and Contentment can often suck the fun part of our marriage out from under us. Getting back to laughing with your spouse can help break down walls in your marriage that could be keeping your relationship from being more intimate or romantic.

3. Let’s Live In the State of Naked (lets live N tha st8 of naked)

This is an easy one. You don’t have to sugar coat the fact that you want to have sex with your spouse. The more you talk about it, especially, the things you like and want to enjoy with your spouse, the more arousal and frequency you can live in the state of “Naked.”

4. I Choose You (i chus U)

These words are often times more powerful than saying “I Love You”. We say “I love Hamburgers” and “I love my wife” with the same tone. By letting your spouse know that you choose them daily to share your time, love and energy, they feel safe and secure. Your kids, if you have them, see that and feel security as well. These are key words to utter if you have been in a slump in your marriage too. You might not be in a place of forgiveness yet for wrongs they may have committed but just by choosing your spouse tells them that you are not going anywhere and want to make it better.

5. I’m Not Perfect but with you I’m Pretty Close (I’m not perfect but w/U I’m pretty close)

We get married with the image of our spouse at that time and realize there are levels to them you don’t know about. You think they are perfect in the beginning but find you are both far from it. These words are sweet but are heavy in that you are pointing to yourself in humility. Showing that you can admit your false and lean on your spouse’s strengths to better yourself and your marriage.

These may seem like pick-up lines, but when played correctly, not just for Valentine’s, you can really open the heart of your spouse.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~