As a teen, I started listening to the music of Anthrax. My friends & I would play it loud. The lyrics were intense too because it made no excuses for how the band expressed themselves. Its’ intense musically and straight to point really helped me as a teen deal with certain anger management issues. However, recently I rediscovered their music on my iPod and the song “Caught in a Mosh” shuffled on to my attention.

As I listened, I realized that this could be about someone talking to their spouse. Now I don’t in ANY WAY endorse the idea of addressing your spouse like this song does but this is an inner voice you may have been battling for years or maybe just recently. You may be caught in a mosh in your marriage and if so, there is a way to make things better.

To get this far and this angry in your marriage will first of all take time to get past. You have to open doors that your spouse never knew were open issues. You will also need to keep the conversation productive in that you don’t point blame but make observations of how you see things going. When we stop communicating and walls build up, it takes a while to bring them down before we can get to the root of a problem. There are more resources on our site that can help you do that. The PAIIRS tool is a great way to start.

Remember, you may need to go to a counselor, even if it’s just a pastor to get out some of the harder issues.

As the banter opens up over time, you can start to create an amazing line of communication and not be caught in the mosh that can ultimately destroy your marriage.

The Marriage Playbook™
~where marriage is going~

To read the lyrics to this song, click here.
http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/anthrax-lyrics/caught-in-a-mosh-lyrics.html

I recently spoke at a banquet in Fort Wayne, IN and the theme for the night was “Share the Love”. Now the thing that drew me in the most to the night is that, even though it was Valentine’s Day, the vibe wasn’t just wasn’t about romantic love. It had a much deeper meaning to the community and the lives of those who attended. We touched on four main points for the night that I wanted to share with you.

1. Using Your Gifts and Talents
When it comes to the gifts/talents that we can use to ‘share the love’ with those in our lives or organizations that might need it, we need to remember that your gifts may be your profession, a strength (physically or emotionally). It also comes from the passions in our lives. For me, my passion is marriage, which is why I do what I do and commit the time for it. What are you passionate about? What task is it that you can lend to those in need this year that will show love? You won’t have to look very hard.
The Bibles says in Job 2:20 that the Lord gives and takes away what I had. So don’t think for one second that He hasn’t given you something that you can use; even if it’s painting a room or a house because you painted once in 8th grade. You have the skills. If you wanted use them, you can impact the lives of so many in your community.

2. Finding a 12th Man
Like any good team, a 12th Man can help you win games. My wife and I have been to many an SEC game and heard the roar of the crowd that helped their team stop the other team from scoring or rally back from behind. A Marriage Playbook needs a defense and a 12th Man. What this will do for you as a man is find accountability on how to love your wife; How to keep outside defenses from coming at you, IE…other women, daily stress, etc. They can cheer you on when you need it. We need to be living life together because we are not alone in the things that happen to us. Who is in your life now that can be your 12th Man?
When you have found someone to be your “12th man” of accountability, listening to their stories helps your playbook too. Learning from other ‘teams’ and how well they played together will design almost every play possible. You really start to put yourself in their shoes by asking, “What would we do in that situation?”
These are the people whose life or marriage have been in the dirt and have healed to now help YOU! You hear how they got through it so that you can be encouraged to do the same. We do heavily suggest that if you have a ‘12th Man’ as an individual to make them of the same sex as yourself. Too many times, people of the opposite sex comfort each other in times of struggles and find themselves in an emotional or physical affair. Accountability among players, whether your position is wife or husband, is vital to making a marriage work. Those couples that have been there and done that need to share their ‘junk’ with other couples, so others can learn the good, bad and ugly of marriage. We also discover that we are not alone and find common ground on our marriage struggles and triumphs. Sharing your struggles with women is like playing with fire and you will get burned.
As you talk with your 12th Man, use this time to open up about Sex. Guys talk about it in ways that seems like bragging most days. Remember, that this is your wife; it should be discreet, especially since your 12th Man may know your wife, but the conversations should be honest so that you can talk about your struggles with temptations. It doesn’t take long for online sites, magazines, movies or even other women around you to slowly fade into a behavior that is harmful to your marriage. The 12th Man, can only help you in this area if you are open and honest with them.
Note to you as a 12th Man, you should take on the same vow of silence that a doctor would have to his patient, no one is to know what you talk about when you hang out. A simple breech, even to your own wife, can build up walls and then you will have isolated the very reason you have accountability anyway.
Being honest with your 12th Man, about everything, starts with being honest with yourself; having accountability within your own mind and heart.

3. Forgive Someone
There’s a cycle that goes on when you’ve been wronged by someone. You’re angry, then sad, then angry some more, then disappointed, then REALLY Angry. Let me say this, the anger is normal and you have every right to be angry. To dismiss the emotions someone feels when they feel betrayed; only draw out the forgiveness process. As someone who has had to seek forgiveness for some STUPID things in my life, I’ve learned first hand that you have to start by forgiving yourself. You can’t walk around and allow your guilt or your past to define who you are now. You can and maybe already have made changes from your past. That was just a snapshot of your former self. It’s a picture you may not want people to see of you, but it’s in the past.
The Bible says in Matthew 6:14&15: If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
So with that truth spoken, we need to learn to let go of what has been done to us. We don’t have things happen to us, for us. We have them happen to us so that we can help other people who may go through it.
Also, when you forgive whoever that person may be, you are NOT saying that what they did was ok. What you are saying is that I’m letting it go and will never pick it up because YOU can’t live with that kind of anger for the rest of your life. Who do you need to forgive this week?

4. Show Grace
The Bible says that we should have no outstanding debt between us except the debt of love to one another. So in the same way that we forgive out of love, we should show grace too.
There is a difference between forgiveness and grace. To forgive is for something that has happened. Grace is for something that is currently happening. It could be toward a co-worker, family member, the guy in traffic or even your spouse.
The reason we show grace is because there will be time when we need someone to show us grace, even when we don’t deserve it, and your attitude can set the tone and may be change that other person’s mood for the day. We never know what kind of day, week or year someone may be having and to just let them get the better of us and snap off at them is harsh.
This is an exercise in love and patience but by honoring that person, you are showing honor to God and to yourself.

The Marriage Playbook™
~where marriage is going.~

Just the other day, I’m flipping thru the channels and G4 is showing the movie “Gremlins”. I remember seeing this movie as a kid but hadn’t seen it in years. I don’t even normally watch G4 since they do a lot for tech shows but they have a series called “Movies That Don’t Suck” and “Gremlins” feel on that list.

For anyone one who hasn’t seen it, the movie is about a little creature named Gizmo. He’s cute and cuddly but there are 3 rules about having him as a pet that if you break them will turn the world upside down. The 3 rules are.

1. No bright lights: The lights could kill him if exposed too long.
2. Never Get him Wet: He will multiply into many more if your do.
3. Don’t feed him after midnight: Because he turns wild and grows into the worst version of himself.

Well like all movies that have rules, these were all broken. Not on purpose but most rules are broken by accident anyway, right? As I’m watching this movie, I start to realize that Gizmo, who is technically a mogwai from China, resembles us guys.
We only have three rules to follow and if handle themwith care, we keep the crazy sides of our personalities away. The 3 rules for men are:

1. We only want Food, Sex and Sleep: That’s IT! Don’t pretend there is more too us then that.
2. We work out the issues in our life in boxes: We only work one box at a time usually unaware of the thought that one box could affect other boxes.
3. When one area of our life falls apart, we look to balance it out with other things. IE; if we don’t get enough sleep, we go for more food and sex. If we don’t get enough sex, we go for more food and sleep, etc.

Guys are also like Gremlins in that when Gizmo gets wet in the movie, each of his different sides come out in different versions of Gizmo. They are also usually the sides that when played out for too long will wreak havoc on the world around them. There is a fun side, a goofy side, a radical side, a shy side and the evil side. When in balance they make for a confidant, well rounded Gremlin…I mean Guy. However, when one side hangs around for too long or they are all let out at once, they are hard to control.

So I you read this I have two encouraging thoughts. The first one is for women. If you want to better understand men, learn to master the 3 rules above. As much as you want to think we are more complex then that, it’s just NOT true. So rest in the fact that you job should now be easier to understand. The second one is for the guys. You are already aware of these three rules. You may even be relieved that someone finally put into words what maybe you couldn’t get the women in your life to understand. However, in knowing that guys have many sides, it’s is our job to control each one of them. Don’t make excuses or put yourself in or around people that may make it easy to draw out too much of one side. If and when it does happen though, find a way to smooth over and seek forgiveness for those who you have hurt in the wake of your wrath. A great guy embraces his many sides and uses them to his advantage in a way that shows love to those around him.

The Marriage Playbook™
~where marriage is going~