As I endure my first winter in Indiana, I’ve come to learn how to do things I’ve never dealt with before. From high performance driving in snow to scraping the ice off the driveway, there are money making schemes in them both. Fortunately I don’t have time for new money making schemes, so in the mean time I wanted to share something with you that came out of my new experiences.

When driving in the snow and ice, I’ve found that you can’t get in a hurry. I have to allow myself plenty of time to get where I’m going and plenty of space between me and the car in front. I’m gaining my confidence the more I do it and do it well. I couldn’t help but think about marriage in the same way. There are gonna be those things in marriage where you have to give yourself enough time to get where you’re going. Marriage also is a confidence issue. If you haven’t been taught properly how to be married or been surrounded by healthy marriages, it can be difficult to invest in your relationship the right ways. For that matter, you may think that everything in your marriage going fine just because you haven’t seen what a good marriage is. Once you start to do something right, you can gain in the confidence of what to do when your marriage needs attention.

If your marriage is good, you still are finding that you have those snowy/icy patches that you go through that force you to slow down and really take your time to be with your spouse and talk out the tough decisions, like money, jobs, kids or the future. You can even be doing things right in your marriage and just like when you’re driving in snow or ice, the conditions around you can cause you to end up stuck in a ditch. The upside to when this happens in the ice or in marriage, you find out what you are made of. What you naturally rely on to get out of those tough situations. It also puts you in a place where you might have to lean on someone else for help. It can be a pride issue when that happens, but you are bound to learn something by the time you get unstuck. We can prepare for things that will occur in life and marriage, then something new pops up and you couldn’t have trained for it, but you’ll know next time and can share your experience with others so they will know what to do. Remember, Life never happen to you, it’s happening for you so that you can inspire others.

Now when it comes to scraping the road or driveway, there are a few things I’ve found out quickly. One of them is that the thicker the ice, the longer it takes to break it up and shovel it off. It may take shifts just because it works you harder then going to the “YMCA”. Another thought when scraping the icy driveways, is the conditions of the day need to be favorable so that you can get the ice up and off the pavement.

Your marriage may be going through the same right now. It’s could be covered in multiply sheets of ice. It could be emotional, physical, etc. however; I’ve found that the same rules apply to the driveway as they do to your marriage. The longer that ice has been there, it’s gonna take sometime to break it up and get close to your spouse again. It’s a true test of patience, passion and goal setting. It helps to have the patience to stay with it, even when it seems too large of a problem to overcome. It takes passion to keep you interested enough stay in the game. Then the goals you set to get the issues scraped out, takes times and ‘baby steps’ to get through it. You will come out on the other side a stronger person and with sense of accomplishment; not to mention a clean driveway or closer marriage. Even though there will be times that you won’t want to do it, get scraping because it will get easier.

Also, just like the weather conditions need to be right to help get the ice off the driveway, you might need to watch for favorable conditions in your marriage before tackling an issue between you and your spouse.

I’ve found that scraping ice while it’s still 32 degrees or less, is like a rat running in a wheel; I’m working hard but not making any progress. Once it gets 33 or warmer for a longer period of time, then I can make my move. I’ve found that my spouse and the conditions around us need to be right before I try to deal with any issues in our marriage. We can’t talk about things if the kids are around or one of us is not ready to talk. We have to give each other the time and space yet still letting them know that you are ready to talk when they are ready. The constant hounding in a marriage can add more ice to the relationship. I never want to add tension to my marriage so we give each other time to think, pray and then talk out what needs addressing when the timing is right.

I hope as we all look ahead into the New Year that we will start to think about those icy driveways that need our attention. It may take all year to complete some of them, but others can be scraped up quickly. If we set goals and create behaviors that we maintain even after the ice is all gone, we will have good habits and investments in our marriage that will create a marriage of resiliency.

The Marriage Playbook™

~where marriage is going~

I know that the holidays are marketed as this special time of family and excitement in the air. For the most part I believe it still is, but you may be coming off of one of the toughest years or even months of your life. The idea of being around family at Christmas time may have you more stressed then actually staying at work.

If not you, then you may have someone in your circle that is going through some junk right now. I personally have friends that have seen their marriage end this year or are struggling during Christmas to put on that happy face just to make it through.

Most people believe that a new year brings an opportunity to start over. It’s like a reset button that gives us a 12 month do over for everything that has lead up to this low moment; like a team that goes all season without a win but looks hopefully to the new season.

It’s never a guarantee of what will come in the New Year or that anything will change or get better. I know that doesn’t sound positive, but it’s a reality. I’d love to be able to sit here and tell you that your marriage, your job, your life will be better this year. I can’t, because it’s not just about having a positive outlook. You have to change things too.

For me personally, my faith has gotten me through those tough moments and I mean those times when you are up against a wall where relationships, career and friends all seemed so far gone that nothing could make it better. If there’s anything that I’ve found to be a great hope for life, even though we may need to change something in our lives, the one thing that never changes is God.

Isaiah 9:6 is the perfect reminded of that. It calls God a wonderful counselor and uses mighty and everlasting to describe Him. That we can lean on His shoulder after we’ve tried it our ways and continue to fail. When your spouse won’t show you love, God is a wonderful counselor. When life seems so dark, He is still all these things. Always was, really. We just don’t acknowledge soon enough. I know I’m personally guilty of just giving Him some things to control but kept the rest to myself. It wasn’t till I gave it all to Him that I slept better, I loved better and my faith grew because He showed up and showed off in EVERY area.

I hope the best for you this year. It may be a hard road in 09 no matter how big or small the change may be. Just asking for God’s help is not like a magic wand that’s waved and the world is perfect again. It also means being tested so we can truly see how strong we are with God in our corner. There will be some humility, but I’ve found that restoration also follows. We are just people. Don’t you believe that someone who is described as a mighty God, can help you? Even if you don’t want to believe in God, this might be a way for you to see that He really does exist and really does care about YOU.

There are several stories in sports history of teams that have gone from worst to first. Professional Baseball comes to mind as the Atlanta Braves did it in the 90’s and most recently the Tampa Bay Rays. Now it’s your turn.

The Marriage Playbook™

~where marriage is going~

Over the weekend, the coveted Heisman Trophy was awarded to Sam Bradford from Oklahoma. Out of hundreds of players in college football, there can only be one winner.

What was great about Bradford as he excepted the trophy, he gave thanks to all the coaches and all the players behind him. He knew that even though it was an individual award, he could not have had the success of 4464 yards or the 48 touchdowns this season, that will forever be attached to his name, without the other players for Oklahoma.

This is very much like your marriage. You are just one player, but your success and failure as a team depends on the strengths and weaknesses of your teammate; your spouse. You don’t have to be married less then a day to know that it takes hard work, focus, sacrifice and passion to make your marriage work. Even if your team has been in a slump for years, it does not have to define you. I’ve found from personal experience that when you admit to the things you have been doing wrong on the field, then you are on the beginning trend of a turnout for your marriage. It takes time, but Championships are worth fighting for. It’s not so you can have bragging rights. It’s so you can show your best foot forward which encourages other ‘teams’, other marriages to do the same.

As we watch the remainder of the NFL season play out, it’ll be interesting to see which of the teams, like the Detroit Lions or Jacksonville Jaguars, who are out of the post-season scenario and have nothing to play for, will do to show what kind of player/team they can be next season.

How will you finish the season?

Much like Sam Bradford, as he gets ready to play for the National Championship in January, we still want every game played, no matter the awards, as a team; working for the good of each other and not for a solo spotlight.

The Marriage Playbook™
~where marriage is going~