Baseball, like marriage, is a game made up of errors.  There are objectives of the team to work together but even though the infield and the outfield players are on the same team, the way they execute within a game is very different.

In your marriage, you and your spouse have the same objective of loving and living with a plan for how to be the best husband and wife you can be.  However, when it comes to the way you choose gets in the way you communicate and makes it seems that the team is not working together at all.

If you are an infielder in your marriage, you are about the attack and execute of the problems that you are facing. “Git er Dun” is your motto because you are a fixer. When it’s something you face, you may just fix it and then tell your spouse after it’s over.  When it’s your spouse’s dilemma, you want them to cut to the chase and tell you what the source of the problem is so you can help them fix it.

If you are an outfielder in your marriage, you are the one that evaluates and then executes.  “Wait for it” is more your mindset because you stand back and look at the best place to be and the right time to execute a solution. When a problem comes your way, you mill it over in your head thinking of every scenario that could play out based on the variables involved. Often by the time you take your problems to your spouse, you have exhausted the possibilities. Sometimes looking for advice from them or maybe just want their ear so you can fill them in on what’s going on.

Neither way is right or wrong but in order for your marriage to work in any and all conversations, you have to know which one of these two you are and which one your spouse is. That way you can know how to address issues in your life and in your marriage without adding more miscommunication in the process.

When we watch a ball game, how many times does the ball go into that spot on the field that causes players to collide because they tried to be the hero in that situation without regard for what the other person was doing or consider that maybe they can see the ball from a different angle and have a better approach to the catching it.

When we try to be the hero in our marriages, we often collide like two players on the diamond. You only make matters worse because you didn’t work as a team. You didn’t communicate as a team.

In the same way that you have to have a plan in place for your marriage and the adventure you are on, in order to WIN the game, you have to have a plan in place for the conflicts you are going to have in your marriage and when conflicts arise in life.  You may have heard seasoned couples say to younger couples that you have to learn how to fight fair and pick your battles. That’s what it means have a plan in place for the conflicts you face.  You can predict conflicts but if you have a way to open up about them and how to receive them then you give yourself a chance to communicate in an amazing way with your verbal as well as your non verbal.

The non verbal is the key to any conflict for two reasons. One, the body language you send says a lot about your interest in your spouse’s issues. Two, in any conflict, you want to listen more than speak.

Bottom line is that your job is not to fix your spouse’s problems but to be a helper if they ask. Along with that mindset, we as couples need to tackle the issues together as we leaning on the strengths of our “teammate” allowing us to support the marriage as a whole to build a Championship like love.

The Marriage Playbook
~where marriage is going~

I don’t like to buy into the idea that we should only express our love or go all out on romance for Valentine’s Day but I do believe that February is the time of year that couples focus on each other more. With that in mind, there are some things that can help you say the right words this year. Even if you are considered the Romeo in your circle of friends that you proudly wear, these simple phrases have weight to them that make us all come off as a hero in the heart of our spouse.

These are things can be used in different forms, you can write them in a Valentine’s Day card, post them on your spouses Facebook/Twitter page (the beauty of this part is you get loads of bonus points because not only does your spouse see it but so do their friends) or you can email or text them. If you choose to text them, I put the creative abbreviations in parenthesis to make it easy for us all.

1. I Love You (ILY or ILU)

This is a no brainier because you can never say this enough, you just have to make sure your actions, body language and face all repeat these words. This phrase  can often be very empty and routine. Valentine’s is a good time to remember the reasons you fell in love and make a choice to impact your spouse in a positive way rather than try to hang on to the ooey-gooey feeling you once had that truly has not lasting value.

2. Your The One I Wanna Laugh With (UR the 1 I wanna laugh w/)

Couples seem to have inside jokes, comedies they enjoy (movies or TV) and moments they created together that was filled with laughter. Business and Contentment can often suck the fun part of our marriage out from under us. Getting back to laughing with your spouse can help break down walls in your marriage that could be keeping your relationship from being more intimate or romantic.

3. Let’s Live In the State of Naked (lets live N tha st8 of naked)

This is an easy one. You don’t have to sugar coat the fact that you want to have sex with your spouse. The more you talk about it, especially, the things you like and want to enjoy with your spouse, the more arousal and frequency you can live in the state of “Naked.”

4. I Choose You (i chus U)

These words are often times more powerful than saying “I Love You”. We say “I love Hamburgers” and “I love my wife” with the same tone. By letting your spouse know that you choose them daily to share your time, love and energy, they feel safe and secure. Your kids, if you have them, see that and feel security as well. These are key words to utter if you have been in a slump in your marriage too. You might not be in a place of forgiveness yet for wrongs they may have committed but just by choosing your spouse tells them that you are not going anywhere and want to make it better.

5. I’m Not Perfect but with you I’m Pretty Close (I’m not perfect but w/U I’m pretty close)

We get married with the image of our spouse at that time and realize there are levels to them you don’t know about. You think they are perfect in the beginning but find you are both far from it. These words are sweet but are heavy in that you are pointing to yourself in humility. Showing that you can admit your false and lean on your spouse’s strengths to better yourself and your marriage.

These may seem like pick-up lines, but when played correctly, not just for Valentine’s, you can really open the heart of your spouse.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

Whether your team is playing a pre-season, regular season, playoff game or even a Super Bowl, the basic fundamentals of football come down to blocking and tackling. It takes a player knowing how to properly block for his other team mates and how to tackle legally so that other players can accomplish what’s needed on the field to score. When you start to look at your marriage with a team mentality, you will soon see that there are basic blocking and tackling type areas that can help your spouse accomplish what they need to make your marriage win.

So here are the basic block and tackle moves that you need to have in your marriage:

Block #1: Boundaries

Your relationship has expectations by both you and your spouse. By talking about what those are, rather than assume what they are, you have a greater success rate by knowing what’s expected of you from the person that matters most; YOUR spouse. When you go to work, you know what’s expected of you and you do it. Why should your marriage be any different? Verbalizing what you need/want from your spouse sets the tone so that they will open up to you as well.

In knowing what to expect, you need to draw boundaries in your marriage about outside relationships. This block is key to avoid having your spouse in a situation that might cause them to stumble or be ’sacked’ by an emotional or physical affair. For example, how would your wife feel about you having to ride in the car alone with another women, business or otherwise? By drawing this boundary in the sand, it’s not stating that you have a lack of trust in your spouse, but that you love them enough to protect them(block for them) from ever being tempted to cross an inappropriate line. Boundaries also goes the other way in remembering that you may be someones husband/wife but that title should not define you. A healthy marriage is made of a husband and wife who have time away from home with a ‘guys/girls’ night out. Encouraging that will take your marriage to new levels of respect and honor be having your own identity.

Block #2: Kids

I hear this too often from couples, healthy or hurting, “my kids come first.” I’m going to throw out the number one myth in your marriage; that is a LIE. Your spouse comes first because that relationship can easily be destroyed by contentment and busyness to the point that when you put the kids ahead of your spouse, needs go unmet and you become isolated from each other. Now don’t get me wrong, your kids are important but your spouses needs come first. PERIOD! This kind of block just simply means, making dates a priority and allowing times each day away from your kids to be together so that you are properly investing in your marriage. The other advantage to this kind block is that you teach your kids the value of your spouse and they sleep better at night knowing that Mommy & Daddy love each other.

Block #3: Technology

Between texting, computers, TV, Facebook/Twitter and email, we are overloaded with technology on a daily basis. This block comes down to one simple rule: Set a time limit for when you use these things so that it doesn’t fill up your day. Also, as a side note, be aware of who your spouse is communicating with through these forms of technology and what sites they are visiting. It combines Block #1 into #3 in a very protective manner that again saves your spouse from entering into an inappropriate conversation with someone of the opposite sex.

Now that you have blocks to work on, there are a few things you should tackle together as a team so that you not only on the same page in key areas but so that you have the lines of communication flowing constantly.

Tackle #1: Finances

By in large, most couples that split up do so over money. The lack of it, the desire to make more of it, the need to save some of it and the fear of losing it. There are several programs out there that can help you get on track with money; however, it comes down to a monthly budget. Spending every dollar on paper before the month begins can help you both sleep at night knowing that you are on the same page when it comes to your finances. You both need to be flexible and compromise in areas that matter most and be willing to sacrifice for a short time till you can get a handle on things. It’s what many call a beans and Rice mindset.

Tackle #2: Family

Tackling the area of family is a two sided coin. On one side you have raising your kids; on the other side is the in-laws.

Agreeing on your time investing into the proper discipline and love for your children can bring your family closer together and create habits that your kids carry with them into their families. The in-laws can be a sensitive subject because you often have to take sides by choosing your spouse over your own parents. This tackle is not about an either my spouse or my parents but that in the truth you stand together as a couple. Even if your spouse is wrong in a confrontation about your/their parents, you need to tackle it in private and not in a manner that shows a division in front of the in-laws. This tackle also should cover the minimum/maximum distance you are willing to live to each others parents as well as who you will spend vacations/holidays/birthdays with.

Tackle #3: Goals

Finally, tackling goals together is an on going event because they can and will change. It can be your own personal goals for job or hobbies and it can be goals you have together as couple/family that need input evenly from both of you. There are ways to achieve your goals and working as a team maximizes those opportunities; however, you can’t do things for your own selfish pleasure and think that your spouse/family is just along for the ride.

One key thing to strive for in your marriage, like in football, is that you learn the basic blocks and tackles to become effortless in your actions the more your practice them. It may seem like work for a while, but it’s like training your muscles up, you’re sore at first but in time it hurts less and you see the rewards by working out every day. These areas of ‘blocking and tackling’ in your marriage is not in the violent since of the words but it is to create an awareness of the basic qualities that your marriage needs to design both on the offense and defense in order to achieve your goals in life and love.

As I talk to my friends who are trying hard to work off pounds and work out regularly in the new year, there’s a mindset that I noticed that happens when you are trying to change our lifestyle in radical ways.

We calorie count to the point that math becomes a dirty four letter word and exercise is a bear all it’s own. However, we seem to justify in our minds a behavior that if we’ve “been good” all day/week, that we can have an extra piece of something after dinner. We can find ways to guilt-free out of why we do or don’t do something. In reality, we continue to lie to ourselves to the point that no behavior has changed and we’re stuck feeling hopeless.

In our marriage this same mindset is dominate throughout couples. We guilt-free ourselves out of the hurtful words we say to our spouse, the ‘harmless’ flirting/conversations we have with someone other then our spouse which leads to building walls because of lack in communication just so we can sleep at night. We never realize just how much we are torturing our spouse and our marriage with our behavior until one day, you wake up and don’t recognize them. You don’t feel the love you once did because your behavior turned you into a “Spouse Potato”. You got lazy or too busy to think about the needs of our spouse and then dead weight starts to build and become as unhealthy of a lifestyles to our hearts as bad food is it is to our bodies.

There’s the 2 things that come to mind of how to change this mindset and change your marriage for the new year.

1. Stop making excuses: Justifying why we do or say the things we do in our marriage, only belittles our spouse. (If you are the husband, I encourage you to set the tone at home by making up for what you have done.) The longer you treat them in this negative way, will only push them further away. Forgive yourself for your old patterns and then change them by doing the opposite.

2. Get back to the basic: Much like in working out/eating right, in your marriage, getting back to the basics of sharing experiences together, like you did in the beginning of your relationship, will greatly impact the love you and your spouse have for one another. Date nights, laughing together, setting boundaries and having an identiy outside of “husband” or “wife” will be one of the healthiest steps to a better marriage that you could ever take.

The Marriage Playbook

where marriage is going

In your marriage, the holidays may be something you fear due to stress. If you are on the flip side and don’t have issues during the holidays, you are a minority. Each holiday has it’s own set of traditions, customs and even seasons. Regardless of the traditions you keep for whatever the holiday, parts of your childhood or even region you live in can affect what you do during the holidays.

You can cut down on the stress this year doing a few things to make the holidays more enjoyable.

1. Set limits

Don’t try to do everything. Limit you and your spouse/family to one big event and maybe a few little ones. Some couples choice one side of the family for Thanksgiving and the other side for Christmas. Talking about the things you like and dislike about the holidays is the start of doing only the things you like.

2. Create New Traditions

After you got married, there were traditions you were use to that made it feel like the holidays and once kids came along, you made new ones for them. Combing the two can be overwhelming to continue and regardless of what the rest of your family may think or want you to do, you have to set the tone for your family. Don’t be afraid to talk about your expectations during the holidays with your spouse. Unmet expectations in marriage causes so many longer lasting issues and you can avoid them by simply being honest. Be compassionate about how you handle it and don’t dictate only what you want but make the holidays you want to remember by allowing equal banter/input.

Hopefully, these ideas will help you be able to enjoy the holidays and not be wishing they were over.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

 I’ve talked to several couples that are facing issues financially due to the economy. Lost Jobs and down sizing are impacting so many families and the fact that costs continue to go up on everything doesn’t help matters either.

Hopefully this year has put you and your spouse in constant talks about your budget. Getting on the same page about money can drastically reduce the stress at home.

The one item that may not be on the budget list that you need to allow for is grace. Regardless of which of the above mentioned that your marriage is facing, money woes cause people to have shorter fuses with one another. In families where there were already down to 1 income and then this year hit, it quickly elevated money to the front of things couples are fighting about.

If communication is not flowing at home, I hope that you will stop, catch your breathe and remember to show grace to your spouse. You are both feeling the same stress as it pertains to your money. You are a team and it’s not his money issues or her money problems. Asking your spouse how you can help will be the beginning of having your money work for you instead of you working for your money. You are in this together and it’s time to start budgeting grace into it’s own itemized category.

The Marriage Playbook ~where marriage is going~

Saying I Love You is sometimes boring, routine or even hard to say. Depending on how often you were told or shown love growing up may have a  lot to say with your ability to show love in your marriage.

With today’s technology, mixed tape is a more like a mixed playlist or mixed CD. When you can’t find the words, a great way to encourage your own creativity is by making a ‘mixed tape’ for your spouse. It can be of the songs you loved during your dating time that take you back, it can be of songs from your wedding, or songs that you know express the love of your life. Not to mention that love expressed with music has such a lasting impression.

 If you have been working on your marriage for some time and the struggles have become out of control, there is still one final step that you may be willing to try.

 Put your marriage in God’s hands.

 Even if you know nothing about what the Bible says on God promises for marriages, you’ve tried it your way and now it’s time to change the batter so the cake comes out different. God wants us to submit to His will, this is an area of your life that you have tried your way. We’ve made mistakes. You can repair your relationship with your spouse and no matter what you say or do on your own, there is something God does to the heart that we will be able to do on our own; Show us Unconditional Love.

 I understand you may think that God can’t fix it or that you don’t believe He exists at all but this is where you can see true faith play out. By placing your marriage in God’s hands, you are saying “God I can’t do it right so if you are truly there, show me that you exist by healing mine and my spouse’s heart.”

 We are imperfect people yet expecting a perfect marriage and that’s not possible. We have to create a marriage of resiliency that can ONLY exist with God at the center.

NOTE: Giving your marriage to God doesn’t mean that it will be saved or you will stay together but it does mean that you are learning to trust His will and handing over your life so that you and your spouse can find peace with God; even if the marriage has to fail for that to happen.

 I’ve seen many times that when we put marriage in God’s hands, He shows up and shows off.  I mean the Bible says He created it, so why wouldn’t He know how it works and functions for his benefit.

 The Marriage Playbook

Where marriage is going

One of the main benefits to create a Marriage Playbook of your own is having fans of your ‘team’ that love in the best and worst seasons of your relationship; the 12th Man. The 12th Man is your couple/person of accountability. They cheer for you in the good times and help you rally from behind when you’re marriage/team isn’t firing on all cylanders.

There is one dangerous thing to remember about in having a 12th Man or being a 12th Man. It should never be about a man helping a woman or vice versa. The danger in the opposite sex helping others in the trials of their marriage, it can cause an emotional connection that can lead to emotional/physical affairs.

It’s ok to help in couples situations so you have the acountability of your spouse knowing the direction of the conversation. When you don’t have that, a compassionate ear can quickly turn, over time, into flirting, inappropriate discussions or worse.

We’ve seen great things occur when husband’s help each other and wives help each other but these boundaries need to be in place for you marriage to reap the benefits.

When it comes to anything we do, good or bad, it’s habit. Smoking, drinking, cursing, brushing your teeth, eating on the left or right side of your mouth and even working out. These are all things that come natural to us.

In our marriage, we have created good and bad habits. Most couples get out of the good habits that we’re in early in their relationship. We go on dates, buy flowers and go places that are outta-of-our-way ways to show love to our future spouse. Its’ after we get comfortable and/or lazy that these things stop.

In the same that a player has to make adjustments to get out of bad habits they have created on the court/field, we have to unlearn what we have learned in those habits that keep us from being the best player on our team.

The way to start is to ask your spouse what thing(s) you do that they like and what are the things you use to do that they miss.

Just  being aware of those ways that once won your spouse’s heart will soon win it back and draw you closer then you ever thought possible.