In football, teams will watch films of their previous games to see
what they did and did not do well. They take that information to make
adjustments to hopefully play better the next week. What do you think
would happen though, if they never watched film and lost game after
game, year after year? They would have a lot of bad habits to break
that they had created over the years.

In marriage, we tend to never look at film and then we act surprised
when our marriages fail or hit a major season slump.
What if we looked at our “films” on a regular basis? It could be a
weekly thing if you are in a slump or a monthly thing if you think
things are going great. Or it could be whatever works best for your
marriage. I can see times in my own marriage where if we had only been
watching film on a regular basis we never would have gone through a
slump because we would have caught our mistakes before they became a
habit. Around the time the girls came along I (Bethany) made the
mistake of putting the girls before Ace. I thought Ace was a grown man
who could take care of himself, but the girls being just babies and
toddlers needed me to take care of them all the time. We got away from
dates, we never talked and he was working WAY too much. If we had been
watching out for those mistakes they might not have become bad habits
that were hard to break and unlearn.

So what does looking at film in your marriage look like. My suggestion
is a date where you just honestly take the time to talk and listen to
each other. Knowing what your film session is, you can come prepared
to bring things up that you would like to work on or reinforce
something you think you did well on. Let me caution you not to make
this a gripe session, but to come with only one or two things that you
really would like to work on and two or three things that are good
habits that you would like to continue. Even the Detroit Lions do
something good once in awhile and need to be encouraged to keep that
up.

When you first start watching your films there may be a lot of bad
habits you need to break and it can be tempting to try to correct all
of them at once. That’s really not a good idea though. It can be
overwhelming and you will be trying so hard to fix everything that you
won’t work hard on any one of them. Pick the most important ones first
or pick the ones you know you can fix quickly so you can move onto the
next one. Before you know it your team will be winning and it will get
easier to find those good habits to reinforce and harder to find the
bad habits to fix. Now that does not mean you can stop watching film,
it just means it will be a little more fun when you do.
Now go watch those films!

The Marriage Playbook
~where marriage is going~

Baseball, like marriage, is a game made up of errors.  There are objectives of the team to work together but even though the infield and the outfield players are on the same team, the way they execute within a game is very different.

In your marriage, you and your spouse have the same objective of loving and living with a plan for how to be the best husband and wife you can be.  However, when it comes to the way you choose gets in the way you communicate and makes it seems that the team is not working together at all.

If you are an infielder in your marriage, you are about the attack and execute of the problems that you are facing. “Git er Dun” is your motto because you are a fixer. When it’s something you face, you may just fix it and then tell your spouse after it’s over.  When it’s your spouse’s dilemma, you want them to cut to the chase and tell you what the source of the problem is so you can help them fix it.

If you are an outfielder in your marriage, you are the one that evaluates and then executes.  “Wait for it” is more your mindset because you stand back and look at the best place to be and the right time to execute a solution. When a problem comes your way, you mill it over in your head thinking of every scenario that could play out based on the variables involved. Often by the time you take your problems to your spouse, you have exhausted the possibilities. Sometimes looking for advice from them or maybe just want their ear so you can fill them in on what’s going on.

Neither way is right or wrong but in order for your marriage to work in any and all conversations, you have to know which one of these two you are and which one your spouse is. That way you can know how to address issues in your life and in your marriage without adding more miscommunication in the process.

When we watch a ball game, how many times does the ball go into that spot on the field that causes players to collide because they tried to be the hero in that situation without regard for what the other person was doing or consider that maybe they can see the ball from a different angle and have a better approach to the catching it.

When we try to be the hero in our marriages, we often collide like two players on the diamond. You only make matters worse because you didn’t work as a team. You didn’t communicate as a team.

In the same way that you have to have a plan in place for your marriage and the adventure you are on, in order to WIN the game, you have to have a plan in place for the conflicts you are going to have in your marriage and when conflicts arise in life.  You may have heard seasoned couples say to younger couples that you have to learn how to fight fair and pick your battles. That’s what it means have a plan in place for the conflicts you face.  You can predict conflicts but if you have a way to open up about them and how to receive them then you give yourself a chance to communicate in an amazing way with your verbal as well as your non verbal.

The non verbal is the key to any conflict for two reasons. One, the body language you send says a lot about your interest in your spouse’s issues. Two, in any conflict, you want to listen more than speak.

Bottom line is that your job is not to fix your spouse’s problems but to be a helper if they ask. Along with that mindset, we as couples need to tackle the issues together as we leaning on the strengths of our “teammate” allowing us to support the marriage as a whole to build a Championship like love.

The Marriage Playbook
~where marriage is going~

The hardest job in the world is being a GREAT HUSBAND! Being a Christian HUSBAND is even harder. There are expectations of who we are and what the world wants us to be. What God Wants you to be then you throw in the expectations of your wife and your kids and trying hard not to be defined in your life by those roles, just applies pressure that causes marriages to end. Men go thru mid life crisis and good marriages go on without passion when we become THAT guy.

As I think about my own mistakes I first of all thankful that I’m not “THAT GUY” anymore. I’ve hurt my wife and I’ve left scars that I’m blessed enough to see healed. My ego, my past or my own selfish goals/priorities have found their way of ruling my life. So I want to challenge us as MEN to “grow a pair” and stop being “That Guy” by allowing our own pride to hold us back.

No matter what the condition of our marriage is, there will come a time when you will start to get comfortable in your relationship and will get into bad habits that will destroy your marriage. I know you say, “No not me!” Well it  happens to us all.

Often times when comfort sets into out marriage, as men, we start pointing fingers to others or at our wife for why things are working at home. Don’t Be THAT Guy! Don’t start blaming others even though they often play a role in bad habits, I’m not out to let the women off scott free but you don’t have to tuck tail and run from what you are capable of doing to be a better husband.

Also, we let the the words from our mouth become replaced from words of romance to words that cut our wives down. If those words coming out of your mouth are like punches, then your wife would have visible scars of your abuse. Even if you are just holding her back with a lack of encouragement to pursue her dreams, then your words are damaging your wife and your marriage. Don’t Be THAT Guy!

In the same way that we protect our kids from the dangers of life, we have to protect our marriages as well. Don’t Be THAT Guy that doesn’t set boundaries in your life that protect you on the internet, in conversations with people of the opposite sex and in keeping yourself from being so busy that you fall victim to some sort of emotional or physical affair.

Lastly, Don’t Be THAT Guy that doesn’t forgive. We do bone headed things everyday and we hope and often do have a wife that forgives us so why do we let pride hold us from doing that for them or others in our life. The anger we hold on to doesn’t hurt other people. It only hurts us. It makes us bitter, lonely old men. You start by forgiving yourself and making extreme makeover GUY edition changes in your actions to show the new man you have become.

As men, we need to realize that we aren’t trying to arrive. Until we stop breathing, we are living a live that is a journey. We have bumps and slumps but you get back up and dust off to keep moving forward. Any of us are just 3 steps away from being in a bad situation and have to dig out of it. Don’t Be THAT Guy that stays in one place and expects the world around you to change to you. IT ain’t gonna happen. Don’t Be THAT Guy! Man up and grow up! This is the time that begin a new you and become a champion in your marriage.

The Marriage Playbook
~where marriage is going~

Coming off of a month of World Cup soccer and those annoying vuvuzela’s was pretty exciting. Even if you didn’t watch much of the games, you might have heard from the news or grumbling fans that some of the games had controversial calls that cost some teams a victory.

Now as I’m watchin some of this games unfold and seeing the players defend their actions against a unnecessary penalty or argue that the ball went into the goal, I couldn’t help but think about my marriage.

There are things around us at all times likes jobs, family, kids, or outside parties with their own agenda that can get in the way of the “goals” we are trying to accomplish in life and in love.

Most marriages quickly point fingers and cast shame shadows for the lack of victories in our life. We are not where we want to be because of “someone” or “something” is the number one excuse that is truly holding back our marriages from being filled with unconditional love.  I quickly think about the line from the movie “Rocky Balboa” where Rocky is talking to his son saying, “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!”

We are better then where we think we are in our marriage and I’ve seen in my own relationship with my wife that when she and I are on the same page about where we want to grow as a couple, things fall into place. I mean you will still find obstacle to overcome but you tackle those together when you open up to your spouse about the direction of your ‘team’.

It’s easy to sit back and believe that our marriage is in good shape but if you were to ask your spouse how they thought things were going, what would they say? Be ready for the answer you may not want to hear but let it challenge you like Rocky’s words do to his son.

Better Marriages begin by talking to your spouse about where you wanna be as a couple in the next year or 5 years or 10 years. Then share what you see that IS working in your marriage, build on that, allowing you less time to do the things that aren’t working for you.

This is the time to step up and find out what kind of Champion you are made of. Playing “Rocky’s theme” in the background as you cry out your wife’s name in victory for the very thing you BOTH have wanted your whole life…..lasting love!

The Marriage Playbook
~where marriage is going~

I finally broke down and read the Twilight series. I wasn’t planning
on reading them, but I got sick and a friend loaned them all to me and
over the coarse of about a week, I read all four books. I have to say
the books are addicting. I finally understood what all the talk was
about.
When talking to Ace about them he made a comment about something he
does not like about the movies. He has seen both movies, but has not
read the books. He said that they give girls a false idea of what love
is like. After thinking about that for a day I began to see what he
meant. The love that Bella and Edward have for each other is extremely
intense. They fall in love over a short period of time and their love
is is impossibly resilient. Their love survives, rouge vampire
attacks, werewolves and the fact that he finds her blood and smell
like a drug. That kind of love just is not real.
Early on in a relationship we all have been known to be on that
adrenaline high. It feels great, but we can’t function on that kind of
high for extended periods of time. Eventually our bodies build a
tolerance to the adrenaline and that new ooey gooey love feeling fades
into a more manageable love. It can still be intense, but the way the
love between Edward and Bella is what little and big girls dream
about. The thought of a guy willing to do anything for you, the guy
that will vow to protect you and wants to spend forever with you is
every girls dream. Throw in the forbidden part that makes it all
dangerous and these girls are setting themselves up to fail when it
comes to love.
I’ll admit, I love the story and the movies now, but I also know that
I can’t hold onto the dream of a man that would rather die than live
his life without me. Its no wonder so many marriages and relationships
fail when Hollywood and novels put such unreal expectations into our
minds. Things become comfortable and mundane and we long for that rush
of love that we either once new early in our relationship or that we
have seen and read. We think if we leave and or cheat that we can find
that kind of love and maybe this time it will last. We are all
adrenaline junkies, hoping for that high again, rarely realizing that
it is only temporary. But it is when that high fades that real love
can really shine. Being strong enough to get past that desire for the
temporary high and live for the comfortable feeling of lasting love is
what true love is all about. Sure there will be times where you want
there to be more or things won’t be great, but we can’t doubt our
love. Doubt will only make us crazy and doubt will only cause pain for
us and the one we love.
As my husband has been known to say, the grass is greener where you
water it. Where are you watering?

The Marriage Playbook
~where marriage is going~

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly”

During our dating life, we look for that special someone that we can truly invest our lives into. We open our hearts up and often times get hurt when the relationship ends. Even staying in a relationship that you give yourself completely too that’s constant, there are going to be moments of pain.  We trust and build upon that every day but there are two sides to this coin that we need to remember if we truly want lasting love.

Holding back is the one area of love that we do subliminally that hurts our marriages.

We hold back our hearts, our words, our actions at different times which could be to protect our hearts or just be because we get lazy and don’t feel that we have to do anything more to win the heart of our spouse.

When we hold back our hearts, we may be protecting it from any pain that our spouse can throw at us, but we also hold back passion. You can have trust and love in a marriage but without passion you slowly fade away from one another. You become roommates and nothing more.

When we hold back our words, it’s the same as using words that tear your spouse down. The mind is our own worst enemy and when we get the affirmation and the encouragement from our spouse, we hold the demons in our minds at bay. So when those words don’t come often, our mind plays tricks on us. We begin to think that we are not desirable, good enough, lovable, etc.

When we hold back out actions, it breaks the cycle that we created earlier in the relationship. Whether we stop dates, stop romance, stop love letters, stop doing things for your spouse, etc. These actions are what showed love to your spouse early on, took care of them before you began holding back. Now that it’s missing, it causes doubt in your spouse’s mind. When you are outta practice on your actions, both you and your spouse begin to pull away and before you know it months have drifted by before you notice something has changed. Often times if you hold back in cycles, there’s may be a pattern you or your spouse begin to notice, however, if the root of why you stop your actions is not dealt with, this pattern will continue.

The other side of the coin on holding back stems from doing or saying things that hold our spouse back. I’m gonna say what I tell couples all the time and you may not like it but “your spouse has to have a life outside of your relationship.” You can’t continue to try to control them and hold them back from pursuing the things that they want to passionately pursue. If you love them, you will want to encourage that side of them to play out so that they can be the best versions of themselves possible. Also, by not encouraging them, they will grow to resent you which will take your marriage down the dark hole that many couples never recover from.

Bottom line, you can’t hold your spouse so tight that you hold them back. Neither of you are perfect and never will be. If you have been holding them back, it starts with forgiveness then back to good habits in your marriage that once drew you in. Loving hard is only worth loving if you Invest your words, your actions and your heart holding nothing back.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

I hear more times than not from couples that have hit that wall in their marriage, “I Love him/her but I don’t like them very much.” This is something that can sting to hear from your spouse and can be an eye opener for the person saying it because they allowed things in their marriage to get so bad that you don’t even really know where to begin.  Especially since they are words coming from the person who is suppose to love you unconditionally.

If this is you or if this is something you’ve watched other couples go through, there are some things that can be done in top of mind awareness that will help you to find a way to get out of it.

The first thing to remember in your marriage is what I said earlier in that your love for your spouse has to be unconditional; you love them even when they are unlovable or unlikeable. We all do things or don’t do things or say things or don’t say things that can quickly become a bad habit in our marriage. We are gonna have not so stellar moments in our marriage but when we are that way, having a spouse that loves us unconditionally allows us to have the benefit that no matter what we do in our lives, our spouse will be there for us love us no matter what. Also, when your spouse is not very likeable, loving them unconditionally gives you the freedom to think back to when they were likeable/loveable and helping them through a ‘slump season’ in their life until they are likeable again.

The second part to getting back to liking your spouse again is being bold face honest with one another. Couples hold certain conversations back because they don’t want to hurt their spouse or they don’t want to fight and ultimately you are doing a disservice to your marriage when you do this. Fights are gonna happen and as long as your fight fare you can make your marriage stronger. It takes a thick skinned person to be ready for that kinda of bold faced honesty. So being aware of the way to approach certain topics with your spouse is important before you go there. If you just vomit your topic on them to make yourself feel better, you do more damage in the long run. Be compassionate so that your words are met with the heart that wants to help not a heart that wants to complain about how things are going.

Finally, don’t let fear keep you from growing as a couple. As you get older, you and your spouse are going to change. They aren’t gonna always be that person you married but unconditional love allows you both to grow and change together and embrace those changes we all need to become comfortable in our own skin. Maybe unconditional love is hard for you to give because you’ve never had a good example of it in your own life but that’s where faith plays out by having a center focus on God in our life because He’s the only unconditional love example that’s perfect.

The Marriage Playbook                                                                                                                                                                                       ~where marriage is going~

Let’s go back to the book of Genesis for a moment. When God created
Adam and Eve they were naked and they were not ashamed. Then of course
sin came along and they realized they were naked and there has been a
stigma about nakedness and sex ever since, but lets stop and think
about that.

Why should we be ashamed in front of our spouse? If we
truly are two becoming one as the Bible says then there should be
nothing to hide and yet everyday couples are embarrassed to talk about
sex with the one person they are supposed to talk about everything
with.

I will be the first to admit that has happened in my marriage.
Both of us were afraid to talk about certain things for fear of what
the other may think of us. And of course if we can’t talk about it
with our spouse because we are too embarrassed then there is no way we
can talk about it with our friends.

So here’s my question, what if we
did talk about it?

What if we threw it all out there, shared it all
and just got real?

Would the world end? Would our marriage end?

Would we be struck with a bolt of lightening from heaven?

Chances are the answer to all of those questions is no. Personally I have found the
more things I keep secret from my husband the more trouble there is in
my marriage. I didn’t say something because I was scared of what would
he would say and vice versa. The thing is though, we found out once we
finally talked that we both were thinking the same thing. Now I am
sure most of you are thinking “oooooeeeewww wonder what she is talking
about.” Honestly it was not anything torrid, we both just felt that we
needed it more, but it could have been anything and we should have
felt the freedom to discuss it openly without fear or embarrassment.

A lot of Christians seem to look at sex as a taboo and therefore never
talk about it, but God created it so why shouldn’t we talk about it?
Ever looked for a book about sex in a Christian bookstore? Sure there
are one or two in there, but they either make them sound too technical
or it is all about nice sweet making love, lights out in your bedroom
after the kids go to sleep.

There is never one out there that tells you to mix things up and sneak away during the day. I have yet to see
one suggesting other rooms or even role playing. For that kind of
thing you have to go to a regular bookstore, but of course Christians
can’t be seen in that part of the bookstore. What if your small group
leader were to walk by on his way to pick up the new Joel Olsteen book
and happen to glance down the aisle and see you with that kind of book
in your hand. Why he might actually think that you and your spouse,
dare I say it, want to have great sex.

We can’t have that now can we? Come on people, sex is ok and you do not have to have missionary
position sex in your bedroom with the lights off with the intent of
making a baby in order for it to be cool with God. I’m no sex expert
so I don’t feel qualified to write a book about it, but I really would
like to find a Christian author who would write about sex and be real
about it. I feel like it is almost impossible for Christians to admit
they have and enjoy sex. I was once unfriended by a Christian friend
on facebook because I dared to take one of those facebook quizzes that
mentioned sex. She felt the need to email me and tell me why she was
unfriending me and to tell me that sex is something that should not be
talked about. Oh my goodness really?! Sorry but not talking about it
causes more problems than talking about it ever will. Tell each other
what you like, tell each other what you don’t like. Can you imagine
doing something to your spouse for years only to find out years later
that they didn’t like it, but they never told you because they were
scared to hurt your feelings?

Talk about hurting someone’s feelings,
they would break my heart. If you don’t know what you like then
explore it together, maybe you will learn something new and like it
even more. As a Christian I don’t believe in watching porn so I am not
suggesting getting ideas from there, but if you have to go to the
sexuality section of a real bookstore and look for a book that will
give you more ideas then do it. Don’t be afraid to be “naked” about
what you want or try something knew. Also, it is ok to talk about sex
with your friends of the same sex. I personally learned a few things
by just talking with a friend of mine. Your spouse can’t always tell
you certain things about sex or your body simply because their parts
are different so it can be good to have someone of the same sex that
you can just hang with that feels free to talk about sex.

I’ve actually talked with some friends about sex and we managed to help a
friend who was having pain during sex. If she had not felt comfortable
talking about it with us, then what? Sure you can ask your doctor, but
again everything is so technical. So all I’m saying is get real about
sex. Its ok to have it, its ok to enjoy it and for goodness sake it is
certainly ok to talk about it.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

Just like in any sport, a team or an athlete often needs to get back to basics of the game in order to get out of lazy or bad habits they’ve created.  The same can be said for your marriage.

Take yourself back to the very beginning of your relationship with your spouse. The talks you had (about everything), the brief meeting you may have taken together on way to class or work. Those long hours of setting on the couch and just making out. These are things we ALL do early one because things are exciting and new. We hang on each others every word and action. Then we get busy, we get lazy in love and these things lose something. They don’t lose excitement, they lose priority.

When most marriages start to hit a season slump in their game, it sparks from unmet expectations. The things you did when you were dating set the tone for your relationship which means your spouse expected those things to continue after you got married. So if you stop or back off on these things that won your spouse’s heart, you allow for other things or other people to creep into your marriage and replace them; IE, drugs, affairs, etc.

So today, ask your spouse what they miss about your days of dating. Maybe even get creative and add daily texting or Facebook post to show your love and admiration to your spouse and let’s get back to basics so we can WIN this game.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

As teams geared up to face off in the NCAA Men’s Basketball tourney this weekend, one of the teams hoping to pull an upset on March Madness was Murray State.  Only two days in teams like Saint Mary’s and Ohio were among a handful of teams knocking off high seeded teams and Murray State hoped to follow that.

Just to get this point in the season, the team’s head coach Billy Kennedy uses his gifts to set the tone of leadership through out the season.  In the locker room before each game, he championed his players with the mindset of Power, Love and Sound Choice. These 3 points can play into your own marriage in the same way that it helped lead to success in the Murray State athletics.

1. Power

Having power in your marriage is not power over your spouse but in using the power of you and your spouse as a team to make hard decisions. These are the decisions to choose to love your spouse, to hold up boundaries that help your team grow strong; keeping out things that destroy relationships. Also, the power to raise your kids together, manage your money together and invest into your marriage TOGETHER!

2. Love

This is easy in what it means but not in how we do it. The reminder here is the showing of love, in actions, not just saying it. If your actions and eyes are empty, the words mean nothing. Like a basketball team in a must win situation, your marriage is a must win opportunity by showing love in ways that matter; listening, cherishing and honoring your spouse.

3. Sound Choices

In the same way that Coach Kennedy used this to encourage his team to keep their focus and calm head no matter the stress, this same mantra plays into your marriages.  Life will distract you from your spouse and stress will cause you to loose your cool but thats when you stay in-check with your spouse.  Throwing your arms around each other to love each other through those moments when life or your spouse can be unlovable. (Especially when you have no words.) It takes open communication to be able to make sound choices. It takes having a playbook plan for what’s coming in your marriage in order to make the shots count.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~