My wife said to me, after becoming a stay-at-home mom with our first daughter, “I feel guilty if I take time or money for myself.” I thought about that and tried to see where she was coming from.

See I handle the checkbook (we decide on the budget together), and my job takes me out of the house. She feels bad about speaking up and asking to budget in money for her. She feels as if she’s taking away from the baby or from savings or debt payments. She was also with the baby all day at the time. Even when the baby takes a nap she has to use that time to do chores that she can’t get done otherwise.

For my wife and maybe for most moms, whether you are a stay-at-home mom or not, taking time out for yourself is hard. Even though I leave to go to work most days, I still get out and away from the norm of what stand-up comedian Gallagher calls “baby day.” It’s when everything revolves around the baby. Shop before the morning nap, do laundry while the baby naps, go to the library before the afternoon nap, clean the kitchen while the baby naps, and so on. The cycle puts my wife, and maybe you, too, if you are a mother, into a pattern that creates little to no time for her.

If you make a to-do list, do you create time in your day for yourself? Would you?

In an age when computers and Smartphones rule our lives, we forget about one of the most important things of the day, Personal Priority Time (PPT).

I’ve seen and heard of people actually being hospitalized because they took no time for themselves. Between breakfast, work, kids, soccer practice and games, dinner, homework, housework, and bedtime, there was no time for them.

Now before I continue, making time for yourself actually just reinforces a Whatever it takes attitude. If you do whatever it takes to be at your best for your family, your job, and your friends, your personal time helps you do that. Personal time lets you de-stress, relax, or maybe have some fun. I love to play video games as a way to have some PPT.

If you neglect yourself, how can you possible have the mindset or the physical ability to do what you want to do or need to do daily? You’ll just simply burn out!

If you go back all the way to the beginning of time, even God took the seventh day to rest. We should follow that example. Now, allotting a whole day may be hard for you, and that’s okay. Just make your PPT a part of the to-do list. God loved us enough to create us and to breathe life into us every day. We need just a little time to get back our focus.

My wife now takes the time right after the girls go to bed to sit on the computer and email, instant message with her friends, or play games. This allowed her to unwind before she has to clean house or take a bath or go to bed. Sometime she’ll even call me and say she’s going straight to bed, and if she doesn’t ask me to clean up when I get I home, I’ll tell her that I will so she can rest.

Her personal time may not be as much as she’d like, but for most of us it never is. Who wouldn’t like to come back from vacation and have the boss say, “Take another week”?

Now start making yourself a priority.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

On any given football Sunday, when a flag is thrown on your team or the opponent, it evokes emotion. The result in a flag-on-the-field when you are on the team is being thrown on pushes you back you up the field in the wrong direction of the goal line.

By definition, a yellow flag is thrown during a game proving that a team mate did something wrong during a play that is being shown to their team mates, opponents and thousands of screaming fans and punishment is about to follow. Sometimes a team can beat the ref by pulling something off that they shouldn’t have but when you do that too often, it’s only a matter of time before you do get caught. The ref is there to make sure you don’t cheat and keep the playing field fare. While The Marriage Playbook teaches you how to work as a team, however, the penalties in marriage are not against other teams, unlike in sports, your flag is thrown because of an offense you have committed toward your spouse.

In your marriage, the basic principles of the game apply. When you commit a penalty, you will get caught and it will evoke emotions that have to be dealt with in a healthy manner so that unity and oneness are created among the team. When a player can’t trust his teammates, they won’t rely on you and as distance grows between you, you find yourself sitting on the bench and not in the game.

This first and most called penalty in a game is Holding. It’s a 10 yard back up with each infraction and by football terms means when a player Illegally grasps or pulls an opponent other than the ball-carrier while attempting toward off a block or cover a receiver. If a penalty for holding that occurred in the offense’s end zone is accepted, a safety results which means 2 points for the other team.

In marriage holding sounds like what you would do to snuggle or show love to your spouse but when referenced to holding as a penalty, this is when you are personally, whether physically or emotionally, are holding your spouse from being the best version of themselves.

Your spouse has goals for their life, for your family and for your marriage. By not knowing what these are, you are holding them back…FLAG!  By saying words that put them down or not encouraging them when they do well or need a pick me up to stay focused, you are holding them back…FLAG!!! When you allow your own dreams to interfere with your spouses dreams, you are holding them back…FLAG!

Just like in football, you can recover from a penalty by going above and beyond the previous play. It’s not just about getting the first down or even making forward progress as a team, you have to do whats right to get beyond a first down; making up for the penalty and gaining momentum back in the game. You have to give confidence in your team that you can still score by working together and being on the same page. Removing selfish desires and putting your spouses needs/dreams ahead of your own can negate a holding penalty.

In the grande scheme, you are going to mess up and cause holding penalties in your marriage. The way out of it is to have a plan for how to change that behavior so it doesn’t back you so far up the field that you have to punt the ball.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

I don’t like to buy into the idea that we should only express our love or go all out on romance for Valentine’s Day but I do believe that February is the time of year that couples focus on each other more. With that in mind, there are some things that can help you say the right words this year. Even if you are considered the Romeo in your circle of friends that you proudly wear, these simple phrases have weight to them that make us all come off as a hero in the heart of our spouse.

These are things can be used in different forms, you can write them in a Valentine’s Day card, post them on your spouses Facebook/Twitter page (the beauty of this part is you get loads of bonus points because not only does your spouse see it but so do their friends) or you can email or text them. If you choose to text them, I put the creative abbreviations in parenthesis to make it easy for us all.

1. I Love You (ILY or ILU)

This is a no brainier because you can never say this enough, you just have to make sure your actions, body language and face all repeat these words. This phrase  can often be very empty and routine. Valentine’s is a good time to remember the reasons you fell in love and make a choice to impact your spouse in a positive way rather than try to hang on to the ooey-gooey feeling you once had that truly has not lasting value.

2. Your The One I Wanna Laugh With (UR the 1 I wanna laugh w/)

Couples seem to have inside jokes, comedies they enjoy (movies or TV) and moments they created together that was filled with laughter. Business and Contentment can often suck the fun part of our marriage out from under us. Getting back to laughing with your spouse can help break down walls in your marriage that could be keeping your relationship from being more intimate or romantic.

3. Let’s Live In the State of Naked (lets live N tha st8 of naked)

This is an easy one. You don’t have to sugar coat the fact that you want to have sex with your spouse. The more you talk about it, especially, the things you like and want to enjoy with your spouse, the more arousal and frequency you can live in the state of “Naked.”

4. I Choose You (i chus U)

These words are often times more powerful than saying “I Love You”. We say “I love Hamburgers” and “I love my wife” with the same tone. By letting your spouse know that you choose them daily to share your time, love and energy, they feel safe and secure. Your kids, if you have them, see that and feel security as well. These are key words to utter if you have been in a slump in your marriage too. You might not be in a place of forgiveness yet for wrongs they may have committed but just by choosing your spouse tells them that you are not going anywhere and want to make it better.

5. I’m Not Perfect but with you I’m Pretty Close (I’m not perfect but w/U I’m pretty close)

We get married with the image of our spouse at that time and realize there are levels to them you don’t know about. You think they are perfect in the beginning but find you are both far from it. These words are sweet but are heavy in that you are pointing to yourself in humility. Showing that you can admit your false and lean on your spouse’s strengths to better yourself and your marriage.

These may seem like pick-up lines, but when played correctly, not just for Valentine’s, you can really open the heart of your spouse.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

Whether your team is playing a pre-season, regular season, playoff game or even a Super Bowl, the basic fundamentals of football come down to blocking and tackling. It takes a player knowing how to properly block for his other team mates and how to tackle legally so that other players can accomplish what’s needed on the field to score. When you start to look at your marriage with a team mentality, you will soon see that there are basic blocking and tackling type areas that can help your spouse accomplish what they need to make your marriage win.

So here are the basic block and tackle moves that you need to have in your marriage:

Block #1: Boundaries

Your relationship has expectations by both you and your spouse. By talking about what those are, rather than assume what they are, you have a greater success rate by knowing what’s expected of you from the person that matters most; YOUR spouse. When you go to work, you know what’s expected of you and you do it. Why should your marriage be any different? Verbalizing what you need/want from your spouse sets the tone so that they will open up to you as well.

In knowing what to expect, you need to draw boundaries in your marriage about outside relationships. This block is key to avoid having your spouse in a situation that might cause them to stumble or be ’sacked’ by an emotional or physical affair. For example, how would your wife feel about you having to ride in the car alone with another women, business or otherwise? By drawing this boundary in the sand, it’s not stating that you have a lack of trust in your spouse, but that you love them enough to protect them(block for them) from ever being tempted to cross an inappropriate line. Boundaries also goes the other way in remembering that you may be someones husband/wife but that title should not define you. A healthy marriage is made of a husband and wife who have time away from home with a ‘guys/girls’ night out. Encouraging that will take your marriage to new levels of respect and honor be having your own identity.

Block #2: Kids

I hear this too often from couples, healthy or hurting, “my kids come first.” I’m going to throw out the number one myth in your marriage; that is a LIE. Your spouse comes first because that relationship can easily be destroyed by contentment and busyness to the point that when you put the kids ahead of your spouse, needs go unmet and you become isolated from each other. Now don’t get me wrong, your kids are important but your spouses needs come first. PERIOD! This kind of block just simply means, making dates a priority and allowing times each day away from your kids to be together so that you are properly investing in your marriage. The other advantage to this kind block is that you teach your kids the value of your spouse and they sleep better at night knowing that Mommy & Daddy love each other.

Block #3: Technology

Between texting, computers, TV, Facebook/Twitter and email, we are overloaded with technology on a daily basis. This block comes down to one simple rule: Set a time limit for when you use these things so that it doesn’t fill up your day. Also, as a side note, be aware of who your spouse is communicating with through these forms of technology and what sites they are visiting. It combines Block #1 into #3 in a very protective manner that again saves your spouse from entering into an inappropriate conversation with someone of the opposite sex.

Now that you have blocks to work on, there are a few things you should tackle together as a team so that you not only on the same page in key areas but so that you have the lines of communication flowing constantly.

Tackle #1: Finances

By in large, most couples that split up do so over money. The lack of it, the desire to make more of it, the need to save some of it and the fear of losing it. There are several programs out there that can help you get on track with money; however, it comes down to a monthly budget. Spending every dollar on paper before the month begins can help you both sleep at night knowing that you are on the same page when it comes to your finances. You both need to be flexible and compromise in areas that matter most and be willing to sacrifice for a short time till you can get a handle on things. It’s what many call a beans and Rice mindset.

Tackle #2: Family

Tackling the area of family is a two sided coin. On one side you have raising your kids; on the other side is the in-laws.

Agreeing on your time investing into the proper discipline and love for your children can bring your family closer together and create habits that your kids carry with them into their families. The in-laws can be a sensitive subject because you often have to take sides by choosing your spouse over your own parents. This tackle is not about an either my spouse or my parents but that in the truth you stand together as a couple. Even if your spouse is wrong in a confrontation about your/their parents, you need to tackle it in private and not in a manner that shows a division in front of the in-laws. This tackle also should cover the minimum/maximum distance you are willing to live to each others parents as well as who you will spend vacations/holidays/birthdays with.

Tackle #3: Goals

Finally, tackling goals together is an on going event because they can and will change. It can be your own personal goals for job or hobbies and it can be goals you have together as couple/family that need input evenly from both of you. There are ways to achieve your goals and working as a team maximizes those opportunities; however, you can’t do things for your own selfish pleasure and think that your spouse/family is just along for the ride.

One key thing to strive for in your marriage, like in football, is that you learn the basic blocks and tackles to become effortless in your actions the more your practice them. It may seem like work for a while, but it’s like training your muscles up, you’re sore at first but in time it hurts less and you see the rewards by working out every day. These areas of ‘blocking and tackling’ in your marriage is not in the violent since of the words but it is to create an awareness of the basic qualities that your marriage needs to design both on the offense and defense in order to achieve your goals in life and love.

Time and again I meet couples who have been married 7, 10, 13 + years and they tell me that the love has faded in their marriage. First off let me say this is totally normal. That new love feeling in the first few years of a relationship does not last. As great as that feeling is it can’t last. That love is a chemical reaction in our bodies, an adrenaline rush, but over time our body adjusts and no longer releases the adrenaline from that feeling. So then what? Is that the end of the marriage? For some people yeah it is, but it does not have to be.

When that love fades we can choose to continue to love our spouse. Each morning I get up and choose to love my husband. It is easy to do now, but a few years ago I didn’t even understand what that meant. I had to make it a habit.

Have you ever tried to stop a bad habit? Whether that habit was smoking, not exercising, or eating poorly that bad habit did not go away over night. In most cases you have to replace that bad habit with a good one. The same thing holds true with marriage you have to replace the bad habit of just expecting to feel love with choosing to love. The first few weeks of making that choice it can feel awkward, unnatural even, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

So what does choosing to love look like? Well, it is not getting up each morning, looking at your spouse and going, “love you” and going on with your day. . Choosing to love your spouse is putting them before yourself. This can mean husbands watching the kids so your wife can have a girls night out once a month. Or wives this can mean making a nice food spread before he watches the game with his friends. It obviously varies with each couple. What shows love to you and your and your spouse is going to be different than what another couple does. The key here is that you are making an effort to show love, not for what you can get back in return, but because it is the loving thing to do.

Now you may be asking yourself, but what if I don’t feel like I love them anymore? You may have heard the expression “fake it till you make it” well that is sometimes what you have to do when you are choosing to love. When my husband and I nearly divorced a few years ago, he asked a friend of his what he was supposed to do since he didn’t feel any love for me. His friend asked him if he had asked God to give him that love back. My husband said he had never thought of that before, but he started praying that prayer and choosing to love me and eventually he was able to find that love again. Before i started choosing to love my husband, I pretty much took him for granted. I loved him, but didn’t really take any time to let him know that I loved him. According to him, it didn’t even show on my face. However, once we went through our “junk” I was so sure of my love for him that I began to make the effort to choose to love him everyday. Before that you probably could have asked him if he was sure of my love for him and he may have said no, but now you would get a definitive YES.

So take the time this week to choose to love your spouse. Stop waiting for those feelings to be there and replace a bad habit with a good one. Don’t expect things to improve over night and don’t expect immediate love returned from your spouse, especially if your marriage is in a slump season, but just see how it affects your marriage. God can and will show up and show off.

The Marriage Playbook

where marriage is going

As I talk to my friends who are trying hard to work off pounds and work out regularly in the new year, there’s a mindset that I noticed that happens when you are trying to change our lifestyle in radical ways.

We calorie count to the point that math becomes a dirty four letter word and exercise is a bear all it’s own. However, we seem to justify in our minds a behavior that if we’ve “been good” all day/week, that we can have an extra piece of something after dinner. We can find ways to guilt-free out of why we do or don’t do something. In reality, we continue to lie to ourselves to the point that no behavior has changed and we’re stuck feeling hopeless.

In our marriage this same mindset is dominate throughout couples. We guilt-free ourselves out of the hurtful words we say to our spouse, the ‘harmless’ flirting/conversations we have with someone other then our spouse which leads to building walls because of lack in communication just so we can sleep at night. We never realize just how much we are torturing our spouse and our marriage with our behavior until one day, you wake up and don’t recognize them. You don’t feel the love you once did because your behavior turned you into a “Spouse Potato”. You got lazy or too busy to think about the needs of our spouse and then dead weight starts to build and become as unhealthy of a lifestyles to our hearts as bad food is it is to our bodies.

There’s the 2 things that come to mind of how to change this mindset and change your marriage for the new year.

1. Stop making excuses: Justifying why we do or say the things we do in our marriage, only belittles our spouse. (If you are the husband, I encourage you to set the tone at home by making up for what you have done.) The longer you treat them in this negative way, will only push them further away. Forgive yourself for your old patterns and then change them by doing the opposite.

2. Get back to the basic: Much like in working out/eating right, in your marriage, getting back to the basics of sharing experiences together, like you did in the beginning of your relationship, will greatly impact the love you and your spouse have for one another. Date nights, laughing together, setting boundaries and having an identiy outside of “husband” or “wife” will be one of the healthiest steps to a better marriage that you could ever take.

The Marriage Playbook

where marriage is going

The wrapping paper and boxes have gone from tree-side to curb-side this morning. Coming off the traditions of the family, friends and giving and receiving, I, myself, have a pile of boxes and tissue paper at my feet just waiting to be reused next year.

Looking back over the pictures of how full the tree looked before Christmas morning, I realized how blessed of a year it’s been. Not blessed in the things or stuff we have but the lives around us. Each present or Christmas card we received represented a relationship we have with someone. You care enough about those people to acknowledge them during the busy season and vice versa. Some relationships are expressed in multiple gifts or more expensive goodies, however, there is a level of doing for others that comes ONLY at Christmas time.

In the midst of one of the hardest years, I can’ help but think that this is the season that helps us redefine what our relationships are about. What do they stand for in your life? People who flow in and out of our year are like presents we get under the tree. Some we only enjoy for a brief time/experience like candy in the stocking, while others are keepsakes that you enjoy for years to come like a picture or game system but much like the presents themselves; you have to take it out of the pretty wrapping/box for it to  be full enjoyed. No matter how exciting they may be brand new or how amazing the wrapping looks, there’s a deeper level of enjoyment that comes from opening them up and investing time into the enjoyment of that present.

Nothing can be more empty than to live our lives by putting things in a box and leaving them there. Whether that’s your friendships, your marriage, your faith or even yourself. Limiting any or all of these brings people into depression or anger. I’ve seen this year alone ways that I missed out on greater things from people, my wife and my God because I chose to keep that part of them isolated or part of myself in a box. You might say it’s because we guard our hearts because we’ve been hurt in the past but that’s what the journey of life and love should be about; opening ourself up to love hard. People are put into our life for a reason but we get out of it what we put into it.

As the New Year starts, it’s all about the ‘do-overs.’ We get second chances to make good on those relationships that may be failing/judged, draw boundaries around those that need protection while truly looking at where we wanna go in life based on faith or personal growth. This can help us raise the bar in our life.

There will be those you reach out to that won’t want to be reached for and all you can do is let them know that you are there for them when THEY are ready. Your journey is different then their’s are even if it looks similar at times. Healing and trust are those areas in life that have no set timetable; it varies for everyone. All you can do is take things outta the “boxes” you’ve been keeping them in and open yourself up to the pretty things that await inside.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

As more and more information has come out about Tiger first let me say, what Tiger did was wrong.  Cheating is never ok.  Right now you are probably feeling torn by the love you have for him and the anger you feel toward him. Emotions run all over the place. The desire to hurt him like he hurt you has to be overwhelming.  I’ve read that you want to stay for the kids. I commend that, but at the same time the kids will eventually grow up and then what?

I have sat in a very similar situation. While my husband isn’t world famous he did step outside our marriage twice. It is the most painful experience I have ever lived through, but today I would not give anything to change it. I am wiser and a better person for it.

People think marriage is easy when they first get into it. “Oh, I love them, we will never have problems.” This could not be further from the truth. As life begins to happen, human nature is to fall into routines.  The problem with this is everything becomes predictable and that new exciting new love feeling fades. If we don’t choose to continue to love deeply and emotionally one or both partners begin to look for excitement elsewhere.  That excitement isn’t always an affair.  Sometimes it is a new sport, or a band or some other thing that brings something new into their life, without causing them to step outside of marriage and those are good activities to encourage.

The problem is for guys who played the field a lot before their marriage, the thought of that chase is hard for them to get past even once they say “I do.” The mistake we as wives make is thinking old ways won’t come back once things get routine.  I personally thought it was better to not show jealousy when a woman was around my husband. I wrongly thought that showing jealousy would turn him off. Instead it made him think I didn’t care.

Another mistake I made was putting the kids before the marriage. I wrongly thought that since the children were helpless and my husband was not that the kids deserved all my attention and my husband got the leftovers.  What man wants to come home to that?  Again, not saying that it was ok for him to stray, but there are always two sides and we as wives have to look at what part we played in all this as well.

At this point, though, you are dealing with trust. Trust takes a long time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Rebuilding that trust takes even longer. You may be asking yourself, how do I ever trust him again? How can you let him out of your sight?  The answer here is, you have to. If you live your life worrying about every moment he is out of your sight you will become the angry, bitter wife that he never wants to come home to.  It is like a double edged sword. The very person you don’t want to be is who you can become if you hold onto it.  Forgiveness is not saying what the other person did was ok, but saying I am going to let it go and let God deal with it. Holding a grudge does not hurt the other person, it only hurts those of us who hold onto it.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

To read the complete letter, subscribe to The Marriage Playbook.

If you ever been to a professional football game, the PA announcer helps you keep up with the game. Telling you which down, how many yards to the next 1st down marker as well as penalties and so forth.

One thing that jumped out at me while at a recent game for the Indianapolis Colts, I noticed the PA guy saying like

“Manning s pass incomplete”, “Intended for  Reggie Wayne”

It hit me that as a player, that must take some getting use to; to hear your flaws of the game pointed out like that. The crowd saw it, you know what you did and know what you need to do to make up for it, but to have a big booming voice shout it out, just seems like salt in the wound.

Outside of sports, there is no other profession where your flaws are pointed out like so; Imagine though if that happened in your marriage.

As you execute something, you hear: “Steve’s conversation incomplete, intended for his wife, Sally” I’m thankful we don’t have this!

We miss the mark on things in our life and in our marriage. However, we don’t always know when we have messed up or even know how to fix it. If you are not sure what the status of your marriage is in or what you actions need to be to show love to your spouse, simply ask them.

Expectations are unmet in marriage all the time all because we don’t share anymore what we would like to see happen to receive love. a good starting point is unveiling your spouses love language so you can communicate properly.

Even when we think things are great between us and your spouse, there is always ways to make it better.

A solid team never stops working on the fundamentals on the field. Without the basics in working order, a team can quickly turn a winning season into a losing one and vice versa.

You championship season starts now!

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~

In your marriage, the holidays may be something you fear due to stress. If you are on the flip side and don’t have issues during the holidays, you are a minority. Each holiday has it’s own set of traditions, customs and even seasons. Regardless of the traditions you keep for whatever the holiday, parts of your childhood or even region you live in can affect what you do during the holidays.

You can cut down on the stress this year doing a few things to make the holidays more enjoyable.

1. Set limits

Don’t try to do everything. Limit you and your spouse/family to one big event and maybe a few little ones. Some couples choice one side of the family for Thanksgiving and the other side for Christmas. Talking about the things you like and dislike about the holidays is the start of doing only the things you like.

2. Create New Traditions

After you got married, there were traditions you were use to that made it feel like the holidays and once kids came along, you made new ones for them. Combing the two can be overwhelming to continue and regardless of what the rest of your family may think or want you to do, you have to set the tone for your family. Don’t be afraid to talk about your expectations during the holidays with your spouse. Unmet expectations in marriage causes so many longer lasting issues and you can avoid them by simply being honest. Be compassionate about how you handle it and don’t dictate only what you want but make the holidays you want to remember by allowing equal banter/input.

Hopefully, these ideas will help you be able to enjoy the holidays and not be wishing they were over.

The Marriage Playbook

~where marriage is going~